The only thing I need to clarify before I get into this list is that obviously this is not a definitive list of the worst sexual lyrics in all of music as I have not listened to every song in existence. Therefore, this is merely my personal opinion, and this list is intended purely to be entertaining so don’t take it too seriously. Although the entries are numbered there’s not really much of a ranking – all of these lyrics are equally abominable. Also, I want it on record that I had to listen to far too much Nickelback (which was around 3 songs :P) while writing this and being subjected to their poor excuses for music is not a fate that anyone should have to suffer through. Anyway, with that out of the way, let’s move on to the actual list…
10. “Yes, sex is always the answer/It’s never a question/Cause the answer’s yes/Oh, the answer’s yes” from S.E.X. by Nickelback.
First, I could be wrong but I don’t recall sex ever solving the problem of climate change or saving endangered animal species and it was most definitely not the answer to 99% of the exam questions I have ever had in my academic career, so that is an unbelievably stupid line. Two, I don’t think it was intentional but these lines come across as kind of rapey, with the whole “it’s never a question” thing giving off a bit of a ‘Consent? Pah, who needs it?’ vibe, especially when combined with the line “No is a dirty word” earlier in the song. I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned how awful this song’s lyrics are before in another article but they’re so bad that I had to include them here too.
9. “When he’s inside you/No, there’s no room for me” from Damn Girl by The All-American Rejects.
This entry and the next one are terrible for pretty similar reasons. They’re both trying to be intelligent but just wind up feeling gratuitous and somewhat unsavoury. This one is the slightly less abhorrent of the two as it is a least mildly clever, but that doesn’t make it any less off-putting to hear.
8. “They think they’ll get inside her/With every drink they buy her” from Next Contestant by Nickelback.
I hope Nickelback feel at home on this list, because here they are again, and this isn’t even the last we’ve seen of them. Like in the previous entry, I feel like Chad Kroeger thought this line was so smart when he wrote it that it never occurred to him how cringeworthy and unnecessary it was. Or maybe that’s giving him too much credit and he genuinely believes this is in some way romantic and appealing. Because everyone wants to be treated like an object to be won as a prize by an overly jealous and possessive partner, right?
7. “You’re so much cooler when you never pull it out/Cause you look so much cuter with something in your mouth” from Something in Your Mouth by Nickelback.
Honestly, the entirety of this song could have made it onto this list, but I settled for the worst of the many repulsive parts in this track. Again, this line is nowhere near as clever as it must have seemed when the repulsive and terrifying depths of Chad Kroeger’s mind vomited it onto the lyric sheet: the metaphor is far too obvious to be entertaining, so once the shock value wears off it’s just very… boring. The good news, though, is that this was the last appearance by Nickelback on this list, so congratulations to them for only having 3 out of the 10 worst sexual lyrics that I’ve ever come across! In case the sarcasm there wasn’t strong enough to transmit through the computer screen, I should tell you, I’m rolling my eyes.
6. “From the top of the pole I watch her go down/She got me throwing my money around/Ain’t nothing more beautiful to be found/It’s going down, down” from Right Round by Flo Rida.
One, why are you so proud of having to pay women loads of money just to look at them, not even have sex with them? Two, I see your clumsy analogy for oral sex, and it is not welcome here. Three, I’m sure with only five minutes of research I could find several natural wonders that are definitively more beautiful than a stripper pole dancing (no offence whatsoever to strippers). These lyrics are crappy in a pretty generic way, so they wouldn’t have been this high on the list if it weren’t for the fact that Flo Rida didn’t think it was enough to make an awful song but he had to ruin Dead or Alive’s infinitely better track You Spin Me Round (Like a Record) in the process by including a mutilated version of its chorus (which, incidentally, is the only tolerable part of this mess). It was tough to decide between these lines and such words of wisdom as “I’m in a daze/That bottom is waving at me/Like ‘Dammit, I know you’ ” or “Somebody help me/She taking my bank roll/But I’m king of the club/And I’m wearing the crown/Popping these bottles/Touching these models/Watching they asses do down, down”, though 😀
5. “My dick is ready/I must use it” from Do You Wanna Fuck? by Byz.
Must you? Must you really?
Then again, I’m not sure what I expected from a song with a chorus of “And then she ask me/‘Do you wanna fuck?’/Yes, I wanna do/Wanna put my dick in you”, so at least the quality here is consistent, I guess.
4. “What you gonna do with all that ass/All that ass inside ‘em jeans?” from My Humps by The Black-Eyed Peas.
Um… keep it inside said jeans? Since their backside seems to be perfectly happy in its current location I fail to see the issue here.
3. “You know what to do with that big fat butt… wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle” from Wiggle by Jason Derulo (feat. Snoop Dogg).
I am so glad that Jason Derulo is here to inform us of what we ought to do with our behinds, otherwise how would we have known that it was really our calling all along to shake them for his enjoyment? I can only hope that someone farts in his general direction while “wiggling”. The next time you find yourself marvelling at the incredible progress that the human race has made, remember that just by October 2014 this track had sold over one and a half million copies in the US alone, and suddenly none of man’s achievements will seem as impressive.
2. “My hump, my hump, my hump/My hump, my hump, my hump/My lovely lady lumps” from My Humps by The Black-Eyed Peas.
Nickelback may have scored three entries on this list, but The Black-Eyed Peas have outdone them by getting two entries from the same song on here! One line was not enough to impress upon you how truly abysmal this monstrosity is. And to make it worse, this song reached number 3 on the charts in America and the UK. Just take a moment to process that… and then start to weep inconsolably as you realise that this is incontrovertible proof that humanity is doomed.
1. “Why they put the dick in the pussy?” from Dooo It! by Miley Cyrus.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! No, but seriously… WHAT?! I have no words. I literally do not know what I can say to that, so instead I’m just going to leave you this for your viewing pleasure as I feel it adequately describes my feelings about this line 😀