The only thing I need to clarify before I get into this list is that obviously this is not a definitive list of the worst sexual lyrics in all of music as I have not listened to every song in existence. Therefore, this is merely my personal opinion, and this list is intended purely to be entertaining so don’t take it too seriously. Although the entries are numbered there’s not really much of a ranking – all of these lyrics are equally abominable. Also, I want it on record that I had to listen to far too much Nickelback (which was around 3 songs :P) while writing this and being subjected to their poor excuses for music is not a fate that anyone should have to suffer through. Anyway, with that out of the way, let’s move on to the actual list…

10. “Yes, sex is always the answer/It’s never a question/Cause the answer’s yes/Oh, the answer’s yes” from S.E.X. by Nickelback.

First, I could be wrong but I don’t recall sex ever solving the problem of climate change or saving endangered animal species and it was most definitely not the answer to 99% of the exam questions I have ever had in my academic career, so that is an unbelievably stupid line. Two, I don’t think it was intentional but these lines come across as kind of rapey, with the whole “it’s never a question” thing giving off a bit of a ‘Consent? Pah, who needs it?’ vibe, especially when combined with the line “No is a dirty word” earlier in the song. I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned how awful this song’s lyrics are before in another article but they’re so bad that I had to include them here too.

9. “When he’s inside you/No, there’s no room for me” from Damn Girl by The All-American Rejects.

This entry and the next one are terrible for pretty similar reasons. They’re both trying to be intelligent but just wind up feeling gratuitous and somewhat unsavoury. This one is the slightly less abhorrent of the two as it is a least mildly clever, but that doesn’t make it any less off-putting to hear.

8. “They think they’ll get inside her/With every drink they buy her” from Next Contestant by Nickelback.

I hope Nickelback feel at home on this list, because here they are again, and this isn’t even the last we’ve seen of them. Like in the previous entry, I feel like Chad Kroeger thought this line was so smart when he wrote it that it never occurred to him how cringeworthy and unnecessary it was. Or maybe that’s giving him too much credit and he genuinely believes this is in some way romantic and appealing. Because everyone wants to be treated like an object to be won as a prize by an overly jealous and possessive partner, right?

7. “You’re so much cooler when you never pull it out/Cause you look so much cuter with something in your mouth” from Something in Your Mouth by Nickelback.

Honestly, the entirety of this song could have made it onto this list, but I settled for the worst of the many repulsive parts in this track. Again, this line is nowhere near as clever as it must have seemed when the repulsive and terrifying depths of Chad Kroeger’s mind vomited it onto the lyric sheet: the metaphor is far too obvious to be entertaining, so once the shock value wears off it’s just very… boring. The good news, though, is that this was the last appearance by Nickelback on this list, so congratulations to them for only having 3 out of the 10 worst sexual lyrics that I’ve ever come across! In case the sarcasm there wasn’t strong enough to transmit through the computer screen, I should tell you, I’m rolling my eyes.

6. “From the top of the pole I watch her go down/She got me throwing my money around/Ain’t nothing more beautiful to be found/It’s going down, down” from Right Round by Flo Rida.

One, why are you so proud of having to pay women loads of money just to look at them, not even have sex with them? Two, I see your clumsy analogy for oral sex, and it is not welcome here. Three, I’m sure with only five minutes of research I could find several natural wonders that are definitively more beautiful than a stripper pole dancing (no offence whatsoever to strippers). These lyrics are crappy in a pretty generic way, so they wouldn’t have been this high on the list if it weren’t for the fact that Flo Rida didn’t think it was enough to make an awful song but he had to ruin Dead or Alive’s infinitely better track You Spin Me Round (Like a Record) in the process by including a mutilated version of its chorus (which, incidentally, is the only tolerable part of this mess). It was tough to decide between these lines and such words of wisdom as “I’m in a daze/That bottom is waving at me/Like ‘Dammit, I know you’ ” or “Somebody help me/She taking my bank roll/But I’m king of the club/And I’m wearing the crown/Popping these bottles/Touching these models/Watching they asses do down, down”, though 😀

5. “My dick is ready/I must use it” from Do You Wanna Fuck? by Byz.

Must you? Must you really?

Then again, I’m not sure what I expected from a song with a chorus of “And then she ask me/‘Do you wanna fuck?’/Yes, I wanna do/Wanna put my dick in you”, so at least the quality here is consistent, I guess.

4. “What you gonna do with all that ass/All that ass inside ‘em jeans?” from My Humps by The Black-Eyed Peas.

Um… keep it inside said jeans? Since their backside seems to be perfectly happy in its current location I fail to see the issue here.

3. “You know what to do with that big fat butt… wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle” from Wiggle by Jason Derulo (feat. Snoop Dogg).

I am so glad that Jason Derulo is here to inform us of what we ought to do with our behinds, otherwise how would we have known that it was really our calling all along to shake them for his enjoyment? I can only hope that someone farts in his general direction while “wiggling”. The next time you find yourself marvelling at the incredible progress that the human race has made, remember that just by October 2014 this track had sold over one and a half million copies in the US alone, and suddenly none of man’s achievements will seem as impressive.

2. “My hump, my hump, my hump/My hump, my hump, my hump/My lovely lady lumps” from My Humps by The Black-Eyed Peas.

Nickelback may have scored three entries on this list, but The Black-Eyed Peas have outdone them by getting two entries from the same song on here! One line was not enough to impress upon you how truly abysmal this monstrosity is. And to make it worse, this song reached number 3 on the charts in America and the UK. Just take a moment to process that… and then start to weep inconsolably as you realise that this is incontrovertible proof that humanity is doomed.

1. “Why they put the dick in the pussy?” from Dooo It! by Miley Cyrus.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! No, but seriously… WHAT?! I have no words. I literally do not know what I can say to that, so instead I’m just going to leave you this for your viewing pleasure as I feel it adequately describes my feelings about this line 😀

This list is based on the top 50 entries on the End of Year Singles Chart Top 100 list for 2009, which you can find here.

Apart from every song having to be on the aforementioned list, the only other rule was that I had to listen to every song I was considering all the way through at least once.

Overall I think that 2009 was a good year for pop music. All of my top 10 and honourable mentions are songs that I enjoy and think are worth listening to, which is much more than I can say for more recent years.

Now, let’s get to the list. First, the HONOURABLE MENTIONS. These are in no particular order, but if you’re desperate to know how I would rank them then I’d probably say they’re ordered with the least good first to the best one last, i.e. they get better as you go down the page.

Jay-Z – Empire State of Mind (feat. Alicia Keys)

I couldn’t care less about Jay-Z’s contribution here, because it’s Alicia Keys who makes this song. Her piano melody is the spine of the song and her vocals on the chorus are what got this its place here, and it would have been much higher if she had been the only performer on the track.

Lady Gaga – Poker Face

This song has an infectious beat and a relentlessly catchy hook working in its favour, but Lady Gaga has given much stronger vocal performances than this. The processed sound of her voice fits the tone of the song, but it also highlights the excessive repetition towards the end. As evidenced by entries higher up in the list, she can do much better.

Tinchy Stryder – Number 1 (feat. N-Dubz)

Well this was something I wasn’t expecting. I went into this song with low expectations and I came out very pleasantly surprised. However, while it exceeded my expectations hugely, they were very low to begin with, hence why this isn’t higher on the list. There’s a strong melody and a decent message here, as well as some strings that create a nice contrast with the beat. It’s still fairly generic though, and the vocals are slightly over processed. In short, I’ve heard an awful lot worse, but I’ve also heard quite a bit better.

The Black Eyed Peas – Meet Me Halfway

I am not a fan of The Black Eyed Peas. At all. But I can admit that this song is good. Fergie actually uses her vocal talent for once and Will.i.am is a lot less annoying than usual, although that’s not saying much. It benefits from much more organic instrumentation than a lot of their tracks, which means it sounds like actual music instead of someone messing around on a synthesiser. The high point is definitely the driving chorus, and while the rest of it’s not bad, it doesn’t do enough to match that peak and create a truly excellent song.

Lily Allen – Not Fair

Lily Allen was a breath of fresh air amongst all the mediocre, over sanitised tripe I had to listen to while making this list. She’s witty, she’s honest, and she knows how to write a tune. In this song she laments that her boyfriend is perfect in every way except for in the bedroom, and it’s nice to hear a realistic, open discussion of sex in a pop song. “I look into your eyes, I want to get to know you, and then you make this noise and it’s apparent it’s all over” 😀 Most artists paint it as an incredible, life changing experience, and while it can be that, it’s important to remember that it isn’t always quite so wonderful.

Kings of Leon – Sex on Fire

I like this song, although as will become clear later I think it is the weaker of the two hits that Kings of Leon had in 2009. This is a prime example of a track that has suffered from overplay, and if I hadn’t heard it so many times then it would probably have been higher on the list. It is good to see a rock song become so popular though.

With the best of the rest covered it’s time to move on to the list proper, so here we go.

10. Noisettes – Don’t Upset the Rhythm (Go Baby Go)

This song is a forgotten gem. It has a smooth groove, great vocals, and it’s catchy as hell, not to mention the retro vibe which makes for a different sound in the modern charts. This is the best Supremes track that the Supremes never did 😀

9. James Morrison – Broken Strings (feat. Nelly Furtado)

This is a break up duet done right. The melancholy strings set the mood perfectly, and both singers sound suitably pained and lovelorn. Both of the vocalists give strong performances on their own, but when they come together on the chorus is when they really excel.

8. Lady Gaga – Just Dance (feat. Colby O’Donis)

Musically and lyrically, this song represents the moment when a party crosses the line from fun to depressing. Lady Gaga perfectly captures the feelings of someone who has just realised that they’re a complete mess, but keeps dancing in a desperate attempt to put off the moment when they’ll have to face that realisation. For a debut single this was fantastic, and of course she didn’t turn out to be the one hit wonder some people thought she would be.

7. Lily Allen – The Fear

Instrumentally, this song sounds gorgeous. The floaty tone of the synth creates the shallow, sparse atmosphere the track needs while also creating an incessantly catchy melody. It’s the lyrics that secure its place here though. Lily Allen mercilessly tears down the vacuous celebrity culture of today, and she sounds wonderfully cheerful as she does.

6. Lady Gaga – Paparazzi

This song is both a modern stalker anthem in the vein of Every Breath You Take or Andy You’re a Star, and a commentary on how the press practically stalk celebrities in order to get stories. The jerky percussion and eerie synths on the verses build up a suitably unsettling sound for the subject matter, and the perky sounding chorus creates an irresistible contrast. Also, cool trivia fact: the music video features Alexander Skarsgård, who is the son of Stellan Skarsgård, whose filmography includes Mamma Mia! and two Pirates of the Caribbean films and many other roles besides.

5. La Roux – In for the Kill
4. La Roux – Bulletproof

I’ll talk about these two in one go since they are from the same artist and have a fairly similar sound. Both of these songs are fantastic pieces of 80s style synth-pop which remind me of Depeche Mode or Yazoo at their best. It’s very difficult to argue with the pulsing beats and slick vocals, so you might as well just accept that you’re going to love these tracks.

3. Lady Gaga – Bad Romance

This is the ultimate bad relationship anthem of the current generation, and it is certainly one of Lady Gaga’s strongest songs. The lyrics describe two equally messed up people who are somehow great together as they can both accept the other’s flaws because they’re so aware of their own. The verses build effortlessly to the huge chorus where one can see the true extent of Lady Gaga’s vocal power. All in all, this is simply a great pop song, and there’s a lot to be said for that.

2. Beyoncé – Halo

Speaking of vocal power, here’s another shining example. This is by far my favourite song from Beyoncé, and a large part of that is because it actually uses her full potential. The piano riff is instantly recognisable, but it’s Beyoncé’s voice that pushes this song from good to excellent. It’s a stellar performance, and she makes it seem effortless. This track also has a very strong melody, unlike many of her other songs, which may be due to Ryan Tedder’s co-writing credit. If so then please work with him again, Beyoncé, because I want more like this. The video’s pretty sweet too.

1. KINGS OF LEON – USE SOMEBODY

It’s a rare occurrence to get a rock song in the charts, and an even rarer occurrence that it’s a song this good. Therefore there was really no other choice for the top spot. Everything about this track works, from the explosive chorus to the raw, desperate vocals. I would sincerely love to hear more rock of this quality on the radio. Seriously, pretty please, can we stop putting mediocre crap in the charts and listen to music with substance like this instead? After looking at the current charts, it would seem that apparently we can’t. Oh well, I’ll just have to enjoy the hell out of songs like this when they do appear then.

Disclaimer: This is, of course, just my opinion. I’m not trying to offend anyone so don’t take it personally if one of your favourite bands or singers is on this list.

Notes: My rules for this list were that I had to have listened to at least 5 songs by an artist before I could put them on the list. This is so that I’ve given each artist a fair chance rather than dismissing them based on one bad song. Also, the entries are in no particular order in terms of how much I dislike each artist, therefore I simply put them in alphabetical order.

1. AC/DC

I don’t even know where to start. The vocals sound like a ferret being strangled, and that’s assuming the ferret never had a good voice to begin with otherwise that’s too generous a description. The lyrics are the dime a dozen macho bullcrap; on one song he talks about having “women to the left of [him], and women to the right”, but then on another song he complains about “too many women”. I feel like the band’s lyricist was a delusional horny thirteen year old boy who thought he was the most badass badass to ever live.

Every song I’ve listened to has a great guitar part, and if the vocalist and lyrics were different I’d probably actually like AC/DC. As it is, though, the only thing I can admire about them is that they named themselves after something scientific, which is more than can be said for most rock bands.

Songs I can tolerate: Highway to Hell

2. Aerosmith

I could justify my dislike of Aerosmith with five words: Dude Looks Like a Lady. However, I am not that judgmental, so I will give them a fair shot.

Once again the vocals sound like some species of animal dying in the studio. The lyrics are a mixed bag; “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing”, “Amazing” and “Cryin’ ” have decent words, but on another song he calls his girlfriend “crazy” for having things on her mind other than him. I mean, really? I must say that for me a lot of the songs outstayed their welcome by a little bit as well; they could have been slightly shorter and it would have been an improvement.

The guitar is good in the songs I’ve listened to, but it can’t drown out the caterwauling that is meant to be singing. Like with AC/DC, if Aerosmith had a different vocalist I’d probably like them.

Songs I actually like: I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing

Songs I think are decent: Cryin’

Songs I detest with all my being: Dude Looks Like a Lady

3. Britney Spears

I swear, this woman sounds like a frog with a sore throat. I’ve probably heard more songs by her than any other artist on this list, so I have a fairly good idea of my opinion, and I don’t dislike her music anywhere near as much as some other entries on here. I like the lyrics and message on “Womanizer”, the rest of the songs I’ve heard have pretty generic words you could find in numerous other pop songs. There are so many other singers out there with far better voices and far more talent than her, and I don’t get why she gets so much more popularity and recognition.

On the other hand, her songs are certainly catchy, and mostly harmless overall, if at times a bit repetitive. I confess with no shame to loving “Everytime”, where her vocals are much better than usual.

Songs I love: Everytime

Songs I quite like: …Baby One More Time, Oops!…I Did it Again

Songs I can bear: Womanizer

4. Eminem

I’m not going to lie, this guy is a very talented rapper. He has good rhythm, a lot of thought-provoking lyrics, and some of his songs actually have interesting instrumentation. However, rap and hip hop music in general is not for me. I don’t like music I can’t find some kind of tune in, and therefore songs where all the vocals are spoken tend to not be to my taste. It’s not much of a coincidence that the songs I’ve listed below as ones I like are ones which contain some singing. This one is basically personal preference, I don’t have many actual criticisms of Eminem’s work, and it’s refreshing that he doesn’t swear excessively and unnecessarily like so many rappers do when they can’t think of any words to use. The piano on Mockingbird is actually rather haunting and beautiful as he tells the story of a collapsing relationship and its effect on their child, and Not Afraid has a good message of cooperation and helping each other. Eminem is probably the artist on this list I’ve been the most pleasantly surprised by so far. In fact, he probably no longer belongs on this list because I can definitely see why people like his music.

Songs I really like: Mockingbird, Love the Way You Lie (feat. Rihanna)

Songs I like: Not Afraid

Songs I admire but aren’t my cup of tea: Lose Yourself

5. Judas Priest

I feel like vocals ruining otherwise good music is becoming a theme on this list. I won’t deny that Rob Halford has a versatile voice, and on some songs his vocals are fine, but when he starts shrieking I do not understand how anyone can listen to it and enjoy it. My eardrums are still recovering from being pierced so painfully. The guitars and drums are excellent on a lot of their songs but because of Rob Halford’s vocals they are an extremely hit or miss band for me, and even the songs I don’t mind aren’t enough for me to want to listen to more by the band.

Songs I wouldn’t seek out but wouldn’t mind hearing again: Breaking the Law, Turbo Lover

Songs I would not listen to again even if I was threatened at gunpoint: Painkiller

6. Justin Bieber

Listening to five whole songs by Justin Bieber was probably one of the most excruciating experiences I’ve had recently. He comes across as a stuck up brat, and his songs aren’t even pleasant to listen to for the most part. Love Yourself was the only song I could stand, and that’s probably because it was written by Ed Sheeran and it sounds more like one of his songs than a Justin Bieber song. Baby is possibly the most obnoxious thing my eardrums have ever been assaulted with, and Boyfriend is super controlling and horrible. To be honest, I don’t know why I bothered watching lyrics videos for these songs, because I didn’t expect any original or insightful material in that respect. Since the music is all generic and like a myriad of other songs in the charts, his voice is all that’s left to redeem his music. I admit that I’ve heard worse singers, but his vocals are nothing special and he doesn’t sound at all sincere most of the time, at least to me. Also, as a final point, it’s actually kind of creepy that he sang some of these songs when he was still a teenager.

Songs I can tolerate: Love Yourself

Songs I want to eradicate from existence: Baby, Boyfriend

7. Kid Rock

I must confess that I have never listened to a whole Kid Rock song, and therefore I am making him an exception to the rule of this list that I must have listened to at least 5 songs by an artist to put them on here. However, I have what I consider to be a valid reason for this.

I refuse to give any of my time to someone who says in a song, “Young girls, young girls, I like them underage”. As a woman, I find that extremely disturbing, and I would never want to be within a hundred miles of this man. What is more disturbing though is that one of his albums sold almost 10 million copies in the US alone.

Trashy, creepy music like this which is only based on shock value is not worth my time, or anyone else’s for that matter.

8. Mariah Carey

This is the point where I wish I hadn’t gone through the artists in alphabetical order because I have had to listen to Justin Bieber and Mariah Carey one after the other, and that is something that no one should ever have to do. This woman seems very self obsessed from what I’ve heard about her, and it comes across in her music. She has to show off her whole vocal range in each and every song, saying “LOOK AT ME! I CAN WARBLE AT MANY DIFFERENT PITCHES!”

The music behind her is unbelievably boring, and frankly so are the songs she’s singing. I couldn’t remember most of them five seconds after finishing them. Her music is the most sappy, overblown, melodramatic, showboating crap I’ve ever heard, and I haven’t even started on the cheesy as a cheese shop lyrics about how she can’t live without her man or how “A HERO LIES IN YOU!”

Oh and, Mariah, to answer your question – “Who’s gonna talk with me on the phone till the sun comes up?” – maybe your friends would if your life didn’t revolve around your boyfriend and you weren’t constantly whining about how he’s left you. Also, never, I repeat NEVER, call anyone “babyface”. Ugh. It’s all so sickeningly dull that it could be used to help people with insomnia. Pop music can do, and has done, so much better.

Songs I can bear once or twice a year: All I Want for Christmas is You

Songs I wouldn’t make my worst enemy listen to: EVERY. OTHER. SONG.

9. Megadeth

Okay, let’s get one thing straight right away. I think Dave Mustaine is a bloody idiot. I disagree with practically all of his opinions; for example, when asked if he supported gay rights he said that “since [he’s] not gay, the answer to that would be no”. I mean, seriously? By that logic everyone who is not the same as you in every single way doesn’t deserve any rights. To quote a common joke, “I support animal rights, do I look like a f**king alpaca to you?”

But none of this is why I don’t like Megadeth, I mean it has an effect of course, but if I liked the music and his personal views didn’t come across too strongly I could have possibly still liked the band.

No, I have other problems with Megadeth that have nothing to do with Dave Mustaine’s fundamentalist religious bullcrap. My main issue with the band does, however, still have to do with Dave Mustaine, or more specifically his voice. This guy is one of the worst vocalists I have ever heard. He cannot in any way sing, he doesn’t growl, he just kind of talks his way through the songs. And to make things worse he doesn’t even sound interested in what he’s saying.

I will concede, however, that instrumentally Megadeth are exceedingly talented. The guitar riffs and solos are fantastic, and the drumming is punishingly powerful. None of this is enough to save their music from Dave Mustaine’s horrific vocals and sometimes objectionable lyrics.

Songs saved by Cristina Scabbia singing on them: A tout le monde (Dave Mustaine isn’t as bad on this one either)

Songs I can stand: None of the rest, Dave Mustaine wrecks them all

10. Nickelback

Ah, the most made fun of band in rock music. I am ashamed to say that I once listened to and sort of liked a whole Nickelback album. But that was many years ago, and I am much older and wiser now. This band are the epitome of generic radio rock, and they literally only have two types of songs.

The Type A Nickelback song is a cheesy, inoffensive power ballad with suitably nonsensical lyrics such as “Never made it as a wise man, I couldn’t cut it as a poor man stealing, and this is how you remind me of what I really am”. I’m sorry but how does his inability to succeed in two utterly unrelated professions have anything to do with her reminding him of what he really is? I know this sounds shocking, but I’m beginning to think it’s possible that Nickelback… *dramatic drum roll* aren’t trying to write a good song. I hope your sarcasm detectors are going off because if anyone thinks Nickelback care about the music they’re making and aren’t just trying to get money and fame then they need their IQ tested.

Now, the Type B Nickelback song is a different and infinitely worse (if that’s even possible) beast altogether. These are the ridiculously atrocious, adolescent and misogynistic piles of crap that are apparently meant to be songs. Now the music on its own is so simple it could almost be performed by anyone who can hold a guitar, but the real killer is Chad Kroeger’s lyrics, which are the level of a 13 year old writing fanfic (actually most 13 year olds could write better than this). I’ll just leave the lyrics of “Something in Your Mouth” below for you to marvel at how low Nickelback can really go (I haven’t made any corrections to these lyrics because just reading them made me want to be sick):

“Got to meet the hottie with the million dollar body
They say it’s over budget but you’d pay her just to touch it come on
Needs to hit the big screen and shoot a little love scene
If Hollywood had called her she’d be gone before ya hollered come on

Dirty little lady with the pretty pink thong
Every sugar daddy hittin’ on her all night long
Doesn’t care about the money she could be with anybody
Ain’t it funny how the honey wanted you all along

(you naughty thing)
You’re ripping up the dance floor honey
(you naughty woman)
You shake your ass around for everyone
(you’re such a mover)
I love the way you dance with anybody
(the way you swing)
And tease them all by sucking on your thumb
You’re so much cooler when you never pull it out
‘Cause you look so much cuter with something in your mouth

Crafty little lip tricks
Tattoos on her left hip
She bending as your spending
There’s no end to it so baby come on
Dressed up like a princess
Bettin’ that her skin smells better
Than the scent of every flower in the desert come on

Dirty little lady with the pretty pink thong
Every sugar daddy hittin’ on her all night long.
Doesn’t care about the money she could be with anybody
Ain’t it funny how the honey wanted you all along

(you naughty thing)
You’re ripping up the dance floor honey
(you naughty woman)
You shake your ass around for everyone
(you’re such a mover)
I love the way you dance with anybody
(the way you swing)
And tease them all by sucking on your thumb
You’re so much cooler when you never pull it out
‘Cause you look so much cuter with something in your mouth

She loves the night scene bar queen
Living for the fun taking over every dance floor like she’s the only one
In the spotlight all night dissing everyone
And trying to look so innocent while sucking on her thumb

You’re so much cooler
When you never pull it out
So much cuter
With something in your mouth

(you naughty thing)
You’re ripping up the dance floor honey
(you naughty woman)
You shake your ass around for everyone
I love the way you dance with anybody
(the way you swing)
And tease them all by sucking on your thumb

(you naughty thing)
You’re ripping up the dance floor honey
(you naughty woman)
You shake that ass around for everyone
(you’re such a mover)
I love the way you dance with anybody
(the way you swing)
And tease them all by sucking on your thumb
You’re so much cooler when you never pull it out
‘Cause you look so much cuter with something in your”

I mean it says everything you need to know about Chad Kroeger’s intelligence that he thinks flowers grow in the desert, doesn’t it? Don’t even get me started on the fact that for someone who clearly thinks he’s a sex god he doesn’t understand how anatomy works either, as proven in “Animals” when he sings, “Got your hand between my knees, and you control just how fast we go by just how hard you wanna squeeze”. At first glance that just sounds like more lame sexy times with Nickelback, but then you realise… did he say his knees? Dude, there is no way there’s anything between your knees she could be squeezing except air. Now given we’re talking about a grown man who almost exclusively writes about sex I’m willing to accept that he would get turned on just from her clenching her fist in the space between his knees, but in reality that line just proves what a laughable lyricist he is.

Now we’ve covered how atrocious and adolescent the lyrics are, we can move on to how sexist some of them are. A prime example of this is the song “Next Contestant”. You know it’s going to be bad when the first line of the song is “I judge by what she’s wearing just how many heads I’m tearing off”. It only gets worse as Kroeger sings about how “they think they’ll get inside her with every drink they buy her”. This is the point where I assume this song is about a prostitute, since he’s mentioned that “this happens every night she works”. But then he asks, “Is that your hand on my girlfriend?” Okay, now I have two theories: either he thinks a prostitute is his girlfriend, which is just sad to be honest, or his girlfriend works as a bartender and he’s just being an insanely creepy and controlling stalker boyfriend. Either way, there’s no justification for treating a woman as a prize to be won and referring to other men trying to talk to her as the “next contestant” for her body. Oh and Chad, you think that “this time someone’s getting hurt”? Well, I have news for you: it’d only be you getting hurt if you tried to fight someone, you pathetic manchild. Finally, what’s even funnier is that in “S.E.X.” he not only claims that “sex, sex is always the answer”, proving he never passed a single test at school, but asks a woman to “bring [her] friend along” because it’s “better [to] rock together than just one at a time”. Mate, the fact that you’re still writing juvenile songs about sex as an adult proves that you can’t get one hot girl, let alone two 😀

I could dissect the unsettling rape overtones in some of the songs such as the line “No is a dirty word” in “S.E.X.” but there’s no point. This band are just a dumpster fire of garbage that isn’t worth anyone’s time.

11. Radiohead

I don’t really have anything against Radiohead. I can respect their talent and the originality of their music. But the fact is that most of their songs just bore me to tears. I just can’t find anything engaging or memorable in their music; to me it’s all just slow and dreary and I just can’t find an enjoyment factor. I know some people would complain that I just don’t understand Radiohead’s music. Well, maybe they’re right, maybe I don’t, but I can’t help that. Sorry, for me there’s no appeal. I do concede that even having them on the same list as Nickelback is a travesty though.

Songs I really like: Creep, No Surprises

Songs that nearly send me to sleep: Everything else

12. Slayer

Oh joy, yet another case of the vocals destroying some perfectly good music. Once more the guitars and drums are powerful and impressively fast. Then the vocals come in, and it’s just tuneless shouting. What is the point of me not being able to understand any of the words to a song because the vocalist would rather sound like a wild boar being strangled? I have never understood the appeal of music where the only vocals are shouted or screamed unintelligibly; for me it makes a song almost unlistenable if it’s the only vocals on the track. You can call me a “pussy” or “not a tr00 metal fan” all you want, give me music with a real melody any day.

Songs that are despoiled by the Cookie Monster: All of them

13. Slipknot

I definitely find the mask thing and the overly-violent-cause-look-we’re-so-metal music videos a bit posery and pretentious, but actually musically these guys are not too bad. I mean they’re not going to become my favourite band or anything, but I definitely liked some of their songs. It helps that Corey Taylor has a very strong clean voice that he brings out fairly regularly. With regards to the instrumentals they’re not the most complex or innovative but they’re meaty and emphatic and they get the job done. Also one of their members literally plays a beer keg sometimes in the videos, so that’s pretty cool.

Songs I quite like: Before I Forget

Songs that are decent: The Devil in I, Wait and Bleed